I don't understand how much it's going to take that I am NOT trying to be a celebrity. The purpose of me writing this is because I didn't appreciate Heather's BS articles about me, that weren't true. I wrote this because I have 50,000 people asking me what happened - so I figured it'd be fair to have what happened out there not just bullshit.
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I don't want sympathy, I just wanted people to know what happened. Who is anyone to sit here and judge my life? No one. I do not act like a celebrity and damn sure don't want to be one. I see what it has done to people, and that's not me. All the Teen Mom's act like their somebody - but they seem to forget before MTV came around they were no body. They were young girls who got pregnant, which happens everyday. They're sob stories are out there for people to try and relate and see that it is possible. But, guess what? If it wasn't for MTV half of these girls wouldn't have it as nice as they do. That's for damn sure. Some of them seem to forget who was there all along the way - and focus on the people that "just so happened" to come into their life after they were on TV &quickly throw away friends that have been there, and helped them along the way. I am not owed anything - from anyone. I just wanted peace of mind to get my side out there, and that was it.
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I've been knocked down several times, &I continue to stand and do something different. So what? I'm going on with my life, I'm not sitting here crying about my life. What's wrong with the way I'm living my life? I'm making my own choices, I'm making mistakes, I'm growing up and I'm moving along. I don't have a job? I don't go to school? So that makes me a nobody. How could I have kept a job if I keep changing my mind - that's my fault and I understand that.
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I have lost a lot of friends, but apparently they weren't my real friends to begin with then anyway because everyone fucks up. &If you know me so well unknown9933, why don't you come to me personally? Because I fucked up our friendship years ago? Probably. Because I did something - probably. Because I made mistakes and I'm fucking human? - Probably. &That's pathetic.
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Everyone heals differently, everyone moves at their own pace as long as you don't stop moving forward with your life I don't see what's wrong with taking your time and moving at your own pace. I fucked up a lot within the past two years, I spent 5 months in rehab getting my fucking head on straight because there is NO WAY I could have functioned anymore with the emotional state I was in. Maybe some people can be like "Oh, that's life" & move on. I obviously couldn't. People have expectations for me, that I couldn't have reached at the time and were there to support me going to rehab and getting help 100% of the way. I'm a sensitive person &take everything to heart - I care too much. Everyone wants to freak out on me and be like "get over it, get over it, get over it." But does anyone realize that Kail has been in my life since I was 10? After she moved yeah we would go time, and time again without talking but when we got back together it was like no time has passed. Guess what, I don't have that anymore. Who's to blame? I'm not going to blame myself for everything, because she's exchanged some hurtful words to me &wants to act like she's somebody behind her lawyers, and MTV, and whatever else. K? That's not the Kail I know - she can take this as shit talking. And that's fine, to go so far to hurt someone who has helped you along the way... that ruins friendships. Yeah, I said things that were hurtful too - we both did. No one is a Saint here. No one is owed anything, I don't owe Kail anything. She doesn't owe me a damn thing.
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It hurts, okay? Sorry that I'm hurting and no one can seem to fucking understand that. I am so done trying to explain myself when people just want to be delusional and continually attack me. I'm not celebrity, I'm not putting my life out there to be judged - but people do it anyway. As if all of your lives are so great, and if they are congrats - but I bet you've been through hard times, and I bet you're all older than 19 and have your lives figured out. Sorry I'm not there yet, and sorry my best isn't good enough for anyone else.
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"Oh Cara's being a baby, she's trying to get attention. She just wants to be famous, she wants people to feel sorry for her." - If you think that... get a fucking life.
Oh, wait... am I not aloud to be angry and write about it? Haaaaa, no. I can do whatever I want, just like anyone else can. &If you're going to talk shit about how I feel, it'll just get deleted so just don't.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
I am NOT trying to bash, just trying to be heard.
The articles, the tweets I'm getting, the shit talking people are saying to me... I'm over it. I'll apologize in advance, I put everything on the table. The articles written about me, not true. &I'm hoping to put my version out there so I can stop being looked at as some asshole. Though "everyone may be over it" today, everyone also had their fun writing shit about me last night. So... I'm not writing shit, I'm writing my side. I understand people are going to hate it, some are going to appreciate it. I don't mind feedback - or questions, just no more harassment... please. - Cara
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Now, let's get down to why I actually left... Yes, Kail got her wisdom teeth out on Thursday, I was there with her Thursday night. I did not go out for hours using her car. I went to see some friends the night before and had left at 10:30pm, I got back around 11 because I got lost. (I'm not too firmiliar with that area). Thursday night I was there, but I had something important I needed to do on Friday. Whether everyone does - or does not know I was in rehab in February, which I chose to go to. Yes, my mom gave me the option, and yes I made the phone call and set the date as too when I was going to go. I checked myself into rehab, not for drugs, but for the mental health aspect of it. I was going through a bad breakup, dealing with my biological father who recently came into my life and caused nothing but problems, my ex's family, my aunt and uncle that yes did try to help - but were also not at the same time. Plus my family at home, everything was a disaster and I just could not deal with it anymore. I needed help, and therefore I got it. So, yes I was in rehab in February (the rest is a long story, lol). So, the women that was my counselor in the rehab I went too in Jersey had called me the week before asking me if I could meet her Friday morning because she was having two clients come in and wanted me to speak to them. So of course I'm going to offer to do my best because I had that when I went there. So, I met up with her... I did NOT plan on being gone all day. But Thursday after Jordan dropped her off from her wisdom teeth I asked him "Is she going to be okay to be alone tomorrow for a few hours?" He said "Yes, she will be fine and I'll come over after work to check on her." Like I said, I did not plan on being gone all day but the chain of events that happened I ended up getting back at 6pm where she was leaving with Jordan. That week, she is correct I was slacking on my "chores". But the previous 5 weeks that I was there I did absolutely everything I could. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, did the dishes, did everything I could every single day while she was at work or school &I also watched Isaac when she needed me too.
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The whole problem here was that her friend had called and told me that she had an old iPhone that she would send me if I wanted it. So, finally the package had come in on Friday while I was out. Apparently her friend also sent me a bracelet. So, when I got home I looked around saw a bracelet on the printer, saw Isaac's stuff in the kitchen and thought to myself "this girl really took this box with her...." So I texted her, asking if she had taken the box with her. When she said yes, I asked why her response was "I wasn't too thrilled that you left me here alone all day and left me with a sink of dishes to do." I never said I wouldn't do the dishes when I got home, because that's what I was planning on doing. Honest, I was. I knew that they had been sitting there and didn't expect her to do them because of her teeth, I was more than willing to help out when I got back. But seeing my counselor and helping when needed is important to me. &I'm sorry that she couldn't understand that. But, that just sent me over the edge. Yes, I was upset - I felt as if she was treating me like I was a child. Like she was grounding me for not doing my "chores." But I had other things to do that day, that were important. I also felt like she was trying to tell me that I wasn't doing enough for her, when I honestly had tried to do everything I could.
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So, that night I had asked her when she would be back the next day and she had told me that she would be back when she woke up - because I wanted to talk to her about everything. (Because apparently she can only call the shots when she's upset or somethings bothering her, but when it came to me trying to air things out and wanting to clear the air... it wasn't important.) She decided to be gone all day long. Fine, I understand perhaps you're trying to get back at me for having something to do the day before. So, I texted her asked when she would be back - and I had recieved no answer. So, seeing the type of person I am if I would have sat around the house all day (Yes, after I cleaned) I would have absolutely freaked out on her. So, me trying to make the better desicion I decided to leave for the night. Sunday (yesterday) I texted her and told her that I would be back either that night or the next day and she told me "Don't even come back, it's a waste of time. Bye." To me that means 'you gotta go.' So, I asked when I could get my things and she just wanted the car back. So, I told her I would come bring the car, in exchange to pick up my things and I would just go back home then. Because I was not going to deal with a "diva" attitude as if she can tell me when it's okay for me to get my things. I'm not going to have her treat me like she treats everybody else. I have known Kail before all of this "teen mom" stuff, to me she's a regular person who I've known since I was 10 years old. So as I'm on my way to get my things she starts telling me how I can drop the car off and leave and not get my stuff - Uh, noooo! No way. So, then she starts to throw family things at me saying how ungreatful I am, and "Now I understand why your dad doesn't want you in the house. Uggh I cannot stand you." That is where I draw the line. So, yes, after I got my stuff I won't even lie. I texted her - because she had two friends, and Jordan over there just sitting watching me bring my stuff out of the house. I texted her when I left, and I did go to town with it. In response she just keeps going on about how my parents FORCED me to go to rehab because they didn't want me in the house, and so on and so forth. I'm not going to get into it. You don't cross me and bring up my past and my family. Because I did not do that to her, then bring up how she has a kid, she's going to school, and she's working accomplishing more than I am.
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That is fine, I am proud of her doing what she needs to do for herself and her son. I was thankful that she let me go there, and stay there, and perhaps to a certain extent I wasn't really pushing the pavement to get a job, I was making phone calls, e-mailing places I saw were hiring and put in 5 applications. I honestly did have the intentions to get a job I wasn't just trying to loaf there doing nothing. I was cleaning, watching Isaac when needed, going to the store, doing what I needed to do for her to make things okay around the house. Apparently my best wasn't enough for her. I might be 19 living at home, now, without a job, a car, or school, and maybe I don't have my life together or have a plan as to where I want to be or exactly what I want to do. For me, I know that I want to be back in Florida. So since I am back home now, in talking to my mom I had agreed to her that I will get a job here, (not just say I will... actually do it) I will enroll in a class or two, and start saving up so that I can go to Florida again. I don't need to be judged for things I'm not doing, I don't need to be judged on my past and past mistakes I have made. Because I'm not judging anyone else. I accept everyone for who they are, and what they bring to the table. Not what they offer, not what they'll do, not how much money they have - none of that. I know what it's like to have no one, to have nothing, I had to work my ass off in treatment centers for 5 months to get my head on straight, and in a sense sometimes I still need help because I start to lose focus and motivation... and I'm sure that multiple teens go through that. In fact, I know I am not alone with that. Kail definitely pushed my limits, and yes it had ruined our friendship because she wanted to act like a 10 year old again, but then trying to pull the mature card and it just doesn't work. It didn't work, because she has very, very poor communication skills.
---
I guess I also need to mention that 1. I didn't "steal" anything of Kail's. She had given me clothes that she didn't wear anymore. I didn't steal anything, her jeans that are missing - wouldn't even fit me. I am 2 pant sizes bigger than she is. 2. I did not use her new make up, I used her new mascara once but I asked. 3. "Oh poor Kail paying the bills on her own, and the 'Nanny' not doing her part." - Maybe you should ask who really is paying her bills, though she has the intentions to pay someone back, stop acting like she's this poor helpless teen parent just because of what you see on TV. What you see on TV isn't the whole story, isn't the whole truth. It's what they piece together. I don't want to be a bitch, I don't want to be the asshole.... but Kail isn't some helpless victim here. She gets whatever she wants, she does whatever she wants, I see how hard she works for the things she has, and I'm not saying that she doesn't deserve it. But I don't need someone trash talking me trying to make me out to be an asshole. Sorry everyone, I'm not an asshole!
Sorry this is so long, lol, there was a lot that needed to be said.
---
Now, let's get down to why I actually left... Yes, Kail got her wisdom teeth out on Thursday, I was there with her Thursday night. I did not go out for hours using her car. I went to see some friends the night before and had left at 10:30pm, I got back around 11 because I got lost. (I'm not too firmiliar with that area). Thursday night I was there, but I had something important I needed to do on Friday. Whether everyone does - or does not know I was in rehab in February, which I chose to go to. Yes, my mom gave me the option, and yes I made the phone call and set the date as too when I was going to go. I checked myself into rehab, not for drugs, but for the mental health aspect of it. I was going through a bad breakup, dealing with my biological father who recently came into my life and caused nothing but problems, my ex's family, my aunt and uncle that yes did try to help - but were also not at the same time. Plus my family at home, everything was a disaster and I just could not deal with it anymore. I needed help, and therefore I got it. So, yes I was in rehab in February (the rest is a long story, lol). So, the women that was my counselor in the rehab I went too in Jersey had called me the week before asking me if I could meet her Friday morning because she was having two clients come in and wanted me to speak to them. So of course I'm going to offer to do my best because I had that when I went there. So, I met up with her... I did NOT plan on being gone all day. But Thursday after Jordan dropped her off from her wisdom teeth I asked him "Is she going to be okay to be alone tomorrow for a few hours?" He said "Yes, she will be fine and I'll come over after work to check on her." Like I said, I did not plan on being gone all day but the chain of events that happened I ended up getting back at 6pm where she was leaving with Jordan. That week, she is correct I was slacking on my "chores". But the previous 5 weeks that I was there I did absolutely everything I could. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, did the dishes, did everything I could every single day while she was at work or school &I also watched Isaac when she needed me too.
---
The whole problem here was that her friend had called and told me that she had an old iPhone that she would send me if I wanted it. So, finally the package had come in on Friday while I was out. Apparently her friend also sent me a bracelet. So, when I got home I looked around saw a bracelet on the printer, saw Isaac's stuff in the kitchen and thought to myself "this girl really took this box with her...." So I texted her, asking if she had taken the box with her. When she said yes, I asked why her response was "I wasn't too thrilled that you left me here alone all day and left me with a sink of dishes to do." I never said I wouldn't do the dishes when I got home, because that's what I was planning on doing. Honest, I was. I knew that they had been sitting there and didn't expect her to do them because of her teeth, I was more than willing to help out when I got back. But seeing my counselor and helping when needed is important to me. &I'm sorry that she couldn't understand that. But, that just sent me over the edge. Yes, I was upset - I felt as if she was treating me like I was a child. Like she was grounding me for not doing my "chores." But I had other things to do that day, that were important. I also felt like she was trying to tell me that I wasn't doing enough for her, when I honestly had tried to do everything I could.
---
So, that night I had asked her when she would be back the next day and she had told me that she would be back when she woke up - because I wanted to talk to her about everything. (Because apparently she can only call the shots when she's upset or somethings bothering her, but when it came to me trying to air things out and wanting to clear the air... it wasn't important.) She decided to be gone all day long. Fine, I understand perhaps you're trying to get back at me for having something to do the day before. So, I texted her asked when she would be back - and I had recieved no answer. So, seeing the type of person I am if I would have sat around the house all day (Yes, after I cleaned) I would have absolutely freaked out on her. So, me trying to make the better desicion I decided to leave for the night. Sunday (yesterday) I texted her and told her that I would be back either that night or the next day and she told me "Don't even come back, it's a waste of time. Bye." To me that means 'you gotta go.' So, I asked when I could get my things and she just wanted the car back. So, I told her I would come bring the car, in exchange to pick up my things and I would just go back home then. Because I was not going to deal with a "diva" attitude as if she can tell me when it's okay for me to get my things. I'm not going to have her treat me like she treats everybody else. I have known Kail before all of this "teen mom" stuff, to me she's a regular person who I've known since I was 10 years old. So as I'm on my way to get my things she starts telling me how I can drop the car off and leave and not get my stuff - Uh, noooo! No way. So, then she starts to throw family things at me saying how ungreatful I am, and "Now I understand why your dad doesn't want you in the house. Uggh I cannot stand you." That is where I draw the line. So, yes, after I got my stuff I won't even lie. I texted her - because she had two friends, and Jordan over there just sitting watching me bring my stuff out of the house. I texted her when I left, and I did go to town with it. In response she just keeps going on about how my parents FORCED me to go to rehab because they didn't want me in the house, and so on and so forth. I'm not going to get into it. You don't cross me and bring up my past and my family. Because I did not do that to her, then bring up how she has a kid, she's going to school, and she's working accomplishing more than I am.
---
That is fine, I am proud of her doing what she needs to do for herself and her son. I was thankful that she let me go there, and stay there, and perhaps to a certain extent I wasn't really pushing the pavement to get a job, I was making phone calls, e-mailing places I saw were hiring and put in 5 applications. I honestly did have the intentions to get a job I wasn't just trying to loaf there doing nothing. I was cleaning, watching Isaac when needed, going to the store, doing what I needed to do for her to make things okay around the house. Apparently my best wasn't enough for her. I might be 19 living at home, now, without a job, a car, or school, and maybe I don't have my life together or have a plan as to where I want to be or exactly what I want to do. For me, I know that I want to be back in Florida. So since I am back home now, in talking to my mom I had agreed to her that I will get a job here, (not just say I will... actually do it) I will enroll in a class or two, and start saving up so that I can go to Florida again. I don't need to be judged for things I'm not doing, I don't need to be judged on my past and past mistakes I have made. Because I'm not judging anyone else. I accept everyone for who they are, and what they bring to the table. Not what they offer, not what they'll do, not how much money they have - none of that. I know what it's like to have no one, to have nothing, I had to work my ass off in treatment centers for 5 months to get my head on straight, and in a sense sometimes I still need help because I start to lose focus and motivation... and I'm sure that multiple teens go through that. In fact, I know I am not alone with that. Kail definitely pushed my limits, and yes it had ruined our friendship because she wanted to act like a 10 year old again, but then trying to pull the mature card and it just doesn't work. It didn't work, because she has very, very poor communication skills.
---
I guess I also need to mention that 1. I didn't "steal" anything of Kail's. She had given me clothes that she didn't wear anymore. I didn't steal anything, her jeans that are missing - wouldn't even fit me. I am 2 pant sizes bigger than she is. 2. I did not use her new make up, I used her new mascara once but I asked. 3. "Oh poor Kail paying the bills on her own, and the 'Nanny' not doing her part." - Maybe you should ask who really is paying her bills, though she has the intentions to pay someone back, stop acting like she's this poor helpless teen parent just because of what you see on TV. What you see on TV isn't the whole story, isn't the whole truth. It's what they piece together. I don't want to be a bitch, I don't want to be the asshole.... but Kail isn't some helpless victim here. She gets whatever she wants, she does whatever she wants, I see how hard she works for the things she has, and I'm not saying that she doesn't deserve it. But I don't need someone trash talking me trying to make me out to be an asshole. Sorry everyone, I'm not an asshole!
Sorry this is so long, lol, there was a lot that needed to be said.
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